My Big Wake Up Call to my Kid’s Love Language

Before I was a mom, I believed my children would all be just like me! They’d love competitive swimming, 80’s music, and of course they would be extroverts and love to talk, and snuggle as much I do. Wow. How wrong was I?

When I had my first child, Barney the dinosaur was very popular. The sound of that purple thing’s voice made me itchy just hearing it! (Please tell me I am not the only mom that felt this way!) I knew in my heart there was no way my daughter was going to watch Barney! She wouldn’t be able to stand him, too, right?

Guess what? It was her favorite show. And seeing the joy on her face when that silly purple dinosaur showed up on the screen completely put me in my place. It was literally that crazy dinosaur that taught me I had no control over what my children would be interested in, what their opinions would become, what their favorite things would be, and eventually, I learned that every child is unique and has different ways of showing love. They are not simply clones of ourselves.

I now have four children, each with completely different personalities and individual ways of expressing and receiving their love. Over the years, I’ve taken the time to learn each of my kid’s love languages which have helped me see my children and validate each of them in the language they best receive.

What are Love Languages?

The Five Love Languages, written by Gary Chapman in 1992, are a way to understand the people in your life better and provide love in the way that will have the most impact on them. The original book was specific to a romantic partner but, the love languages can be applied to any relationship…including your children. Gary Chapman has since written another book, The Five Love Languages of Children which also comes with a free online study guide that can be found at 5LoveLanguages.com.

Learning and honoring your child’s love languages in conjunction with emotion coaching your kiddos is an excellent way to raise emotionally intelligent and grounded adults.

Words of Affirmation

This love language means the words you say to your child have a deep impact on how loved and seen they feel. For example, leaving little notes in your kiddo’s lunchbox would make a child whose love language is words of affirmation sing and dance! Sharing a compliment with your child or offering encouragement when things get tough, your child will feel extremely supported and motivated. Words are much more special to a child whose love language is words of affirmation versus a child whose love language is gifts or acts of service.

A child whose love language is words of affirmation may like to write in journals or enjoy long talks with you, too. They may love listening to the lyrics of songs or writing stories or poems.

➡️ PRO TIP: For a child whose love language is words of affirmation, be very careful with the words you use as they are often very sensitive to them. It’s easy to unknowingly hurt this child with words (or withholding words), so choose yours carefully!

Gifts

Your kid’s love language of gifts means offering a small, personalized gift (which does not have to be expensive) to your child. This is not about materialistic items or purchasing all the new trends to make your child feel your love. Love language gifts are not just for birthdays and holidays. These gifts can be given anytime throughout the year to show love to your child…as a random act of love when they least expect it. It could be as simple as a little wrapped jar with a special note inside. Or, it could be something cute that you made yourself like a necklace, bracelet, or picture.

If your kid’s love language is gifts, they might like to wrap things they already own that are special to them and give them to you! They will enjoy making things and offering them to you as a special gift to show you how much they love you.

➡️ PRO TIP: One thing to remember about gifts is that they must be personalized. Giving a gift card to a child whose love language is gifts is hurtful as they will feel that no thought was put into the act of giving this gift.

✨ BONUS PRO TIP: As parents, we receive many gifts and pictures from our kiddos. Be careful about your kiddo seeing you toss gifts or pictures they’ve given you into the trash. It may have been one that was very special to your child. Be mindful if you are choosing to throw any away and be sure they are not present to see it or will not find it in the trash later.

Acts of Service

The old adage ‘actions speak louder than words’ comes to mind with this love language. Love is shown by acts of service, which can include cooking dinner for your child or helping them clean their room.

Your child whose love language is acts of service will appreciate a special surprise breakfast in bed! Or your teen child might love when you make their lunch before school for them.

You may also notice they will jump in to help you with laundry or taking out the trash without being prompted if acts of service is their love language.

➡️ PRO TIP: Love language acts of service can be a great way to help your child learn the skills they will need as adults. Taking charge and helping out around the house is a life skill, so encourage this!

Quality Time

The love language of quality time means your kiddos will just want to be wherever you are. Just being in the same room fills their heart. Simple things will make them feel like a priority by putting your phone down and focusing on them, or just being close to them.

Your child whose love language is quality time may like to sit close or snuggle with you. They enjoy doing activities together whether it’s playing a game, reading books, or even watching television.

My daughter’s love language is quality time and she enjoys just sitting on the couch by me. We don’t have to talk or do anything special…just being there is important to her.

Physical Touch

Love Language of physical touch is a powerful one where a simple hug can mean more to them than any other form of communication. They want to feel close to you, physically.

This is my son’s love language and whenever he is close to me, he is hugging me or petting my head, or holding my hand. He has grown to tower over me at 5’11” (…and he’s only 14!) and I’m only 5’3″ so he loves to kiss the top of my head. My favorite! (Secretly, I am eating this up because I know there will be a day when he grows up and doesn’t snuggle with me on the couch…but, I’m hoping he will always kiss my head!) Understanding that this is his love language helps me respond to him appropriately, regardless of his mood.

➡️ PRO TIP: When a child is sad or feeling overwhelmed, they may withhold their physical touch until they are out of the moment. Recognizing this will help parents understand when to provide a touch like a comforting hug or rub on the back without overstepping the child’s boundaries.

➡️ PRO TIP: Love languages are not just about giving; it’s also about receiving. At its core, the love languages are about validation both of yourself and of the other person. And sometimes, the language in which we give love and validation is a different language in which we receive it.

How can I find out what my Kid’s love language is?

Now that you understand love languages a little better, don’t be afraid to try different things with your child and see which they respond to best.

But, how do you figure out which one your child is? The best way to discover your younger kid’s love languages is by observing behaviors and listening for phrases or words they use. If your kiddos are older, simply ask! Give them examples of each and see how they respond.

My youngest kiddos are 14 and 12 and they took a little online test to see what their love languages are. They were giddy with excitement when they discovered their love languages and felt like the descriptions had been written just for them!

Since learning what their love languages are, it is a frequent conversation in our home of things they appreciate and that we understand them. They also enjoy learning our love languages and honoring how we give and receive love.

If your child isn’t sure about their own love language, observe their actions and see if they’re taking active steps toward the things they want. For example, are they asking for physical touch? Do they ask you for more time together or alone? Do gifts make them feel special? How so? What kind of items do they love?

How can I honor My Kid’s Love Language?

Understanding your kid’s love languages can guide you in how they show love best and how to love them in the way they will best feel seen, validated, and loved! It will also help in communicating with your child, strengthening the existing bond you have with your child, and understanding them on a deeper level.

✨ BONUS: Love languages are not only important to the parent and the child, but also for creating healthy relationships with all others in life including your spouse, parents, co-workers, and friends!

Tips on How to Speak to your Kid’s Love Language

One thing to note about the love languages is that while your child may have one specific language that is their primary, the other love languages will also be important to them, too. For example, my touchy, feely, huggy son’s second love language is words of affirmation. He loves to chat, loves to hear positive feedback and compliments from me, and is quite sensitive if words are misused.

Knowing your own love language is very important, too. If you are words of affirmation and that love language is last on your child’s list, it may be overwhelming to them to have long, deep talks. If your love language is not physical touch at all but, it’s your child’s main love language, you may have to work on being mindful to offer more hugs or a little ruffle of their hair.