Momma, Are you Struggling with Your Kiddo’s Many, Many, MANYYYY Emotions?
(Me: *Raises hand really, really, high….also raises the other hand…starts jumping up and down…*) Ahhh, me, too!! Having a son with ADHD has taught me I need to not only help him learn how to regulate his emotions but, do this simultaneously with regulating my own. (What??? This is a thing? HOW?)
Okay, we can do this, Mommas…let’s go!
1. Practice Mindfulness
How can we practice emotion coaching and teach regulation if we are not managing our own? Get in touch with your own emotions and remind yourself that your child’s emotions are not for you so please don’t take them personally (even though this is REALLLLY hard).
➡️ PRO TIP: Be mindful of when your own emotional bucket is too empty to assist your child through an emotionally charged moment. You are allowed to have a guilt-free Momma moment (or however many you need) to recharge.
“When little people are overwhelmed with big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not join in their chaos.”
2. Avoid Emotion Dismissing
Have you ever been sad or upset, only to have a loved one dismiss your emotions? How invalidating! We then feel infuriated because we feel unheard, right? Our children feel the same way. Plus, this teaches them their feelings are wrong and invalid. Please avoid saying things like, “Don’t be sad” or “You are over-reacting” and instead say, “I see you are angry” or “You are so sad”. This practice is key in emotion coaching as it teaches how to recognize and name feelings.
Recognizing his or her sadness, anger, anxiety, etc. is not agreeing with them. We are simply acknowledging the emotion.
✨ BONUS! Acknowledging your child’s emotions builds their trust in you to continue validating and listening when they need validation, coaching, and guidance. That’s the goal, right? (Double bonus for cultivating trusting teenagers who still open up and talk to us!)
3. Name Emotions for your Child to Uncover their ‘Magical Meta-Language’
It sounds overly simple but, naming emotions is essential to raising an emotionally intelligent child. From an early age, give the specific name of the emotion your child is feeling. This is the gateway to the magical meta-language. (Um, bless you? Meta what?) Meta-language is what one REALLY means underneath whatever reaction is displayed.
While my daughter was doing her math, my son and I started chatting about his new bike. Suddenly, my daughter slammed her book closed and announced she would NOT be doing math ever again because math is stupid. (Just my kid? Yes? Mmmmkay.) Her meta-language was not that math is stupid, but rather the distraction of my son and I talking loudly so she wasn’t able to focus, therefore causing her frustration. Perfect opportunity for me to name and acknowledge her frustration in regard to the situation.
➡️ PRO TIP: Remind your children we can not understand what they need when they yell, slam things, or get snarky. They deserve to be heard so learning how to express meta-language is key! Win-win for everyone!
4. Remind Your Child Feelings are Not Wrong (but, Reactions Might Be)
My 13-year-old son, who has ADHD, will be happy as a clam (are clams really happy?) and suddenly, he’s yelling at his sister and crying because she accidentally bumped him while he was playing Fortnite. (🎵 Cue up Whitesnake….”Here I go again…”)
This is where I calmly (oh boy, that’s harrrrrd) step in and acknowledge how frustrated he must be. He was about to win that online mission with his buddy when the accidental bump on is leg distracted him and he lost the battle.
Now, are his emotions to the situation wrong? Of course not. We feel frustrated when we are interrupted and get distracted from our train of thought, too. BUT, is screaming at his sister acceptable? No way!
➡️: PRO TIP: One of the biggest lessons I have ever learned is what I have coined ‘The Magic of Discovering Intent’. I asked my son what he thought his sister’s intent was when she bumped him. Of course, in his emotional hijack, he is sure she was purposely trying to annoy him but, once he emotionally de-escalated, he realized it was simply an accident and her intent was not to bump him.
Learning the intent of someone else’s behavior is magical in reducing emotional hijacking or knee-jerk reactions (which are so common with our kiddos struggling with ADHD.) It certainly takes practice (and practice…and practice.)
…..and practice….
➡️ BONUS PRO TIP: Sometimes discovering other’s intent is not easily found. Teach your child to be curious and not assume the reasons for someone else’s behavior. Being curious is simply asking what the other person meant or what their intentions are. If my son had taken a moment and simply asked, “Why did you bump my leg in the middle of my mission?” it would have given his sister an opportunity to tell it was an accident. (It helps if you tell them it’s actually a superpower…which it is.)
5. Teach Healthy Coping Skills
It’s great if we can name every emotion under the sun but, what is the benefit if there are no coping skills to accompany those bigger than life emotions?
- Deep Breathing
- Walk Away
- Use Lavender Essential Oils
- Listen to a Favorite Song
- Bounce a Ball
There are endless coping skills to teach our kiddos. Learning them at this age will help solidify healthy skills as they grow into adults. Unlearning later is a lot harder than learning these skills as a child.
Martini Time 🍸
Seriously, Momma, while emotion coaching is essential to raising emotionally intelligent kids, it is double exhausting when raising kiddos with ADHD. Cheers to all of us who are getting up every day and being the best Momma coach we can be. Don’t forget to keep taking care of YOU and now….let’s go have a martini!
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