The Secret Ingredient when Emotion Coaching MY Kiddos
When an emotional incident occurs, my son will literally go from zero to 282,934 at lightning speed. Faster, actually. Honestly, I think he breaks sound barriers with how fast he can emotionally get to that level.
The latest incident involved my two kiddos wrestling and playing around when my daughter accidentally poked my son’s eye which startled him more than hurt him. (Side note…no children were actually harmed in this incident!) This, of course, launched my son into an emotional frenzy where he burst into tears, called his sister stupid, claimed he hated her, and would never play with her again, followed by tattling to me and storming off to his room.
Sigh. Can you relate to any of this?
Here is the process we take. Every time. I say every time because this happens countless times throughout the day and he has to know that while his emotions are relevant and valid, the reaction is not. The more we stop, discuss, and practice the correct reaction, the more tools he has in his toolbox for the next time.
➡️ PRO TIP: Having tools in his toolbox doesn’t mean he necessarily uses them yet. ADHD kiddos may have the tools but, they still struggle with ever-persistent impulsivity so remembering to open that toolbox and use any given tool is challenging. I’ll continue to stock up his toolbox so he has plenty to choose from.
1. Take a deep breath (or 40!)
I must be in the right frame of mind to give the emotional support my son needs. Breathe. And then I breathe again. (Not gonna lie…..sometimes, I have to repeat step one 37 times before moving to step two.) When the chaos is too intense, I need to step away and practice my own mindfulness and self-care before I can emotionally coach my son.
2. Consider the Situation
Understanding that my daughter was giggling and having a great time, and her finger landing in her brother’s eyeball was clearly unintentional, it’s fairly easy to conclude it was simply an accident and her finger and his eyeball were both in the wrong place at the wrong time and met under unfortunate circumstances.
3. I ask my son what he would like to say and ask how he feels
After I give my son a moment to practice what I just did in step one, breathe and take a moment, I ask how he is feeling.
I listen intently as he expresses he’s angry and annoyed. (I think his favorite word is annoyed.) He explains tearfully that his sister should be more careful and she should just know better. He adds that she should be in trouble and that I ‘never listen’ and always take her side. I do not interrupt and I do not argue with his words. I simply let him speak while I remind myself his emotions are not for me.
4. Name the emotion and acknowledge his feelings
I thank him for sharing his words and I gently place my hand on his knee to assess if he’s ready for me to talk. If he pulls away, I know he needs more time, has more to say, or just needs a few minutes to himself to settle. This time, I see he’s calm enough and I reiterate how he is annoyed and upset because his eye was poked and it startled him. It would have done the same to me. I remind him it is okay for him to feel his feelings.
5. Discuss the intention of the other person
If I were to attempt to discuss this prior to acknowledging his emotions, he will not hear me. Until he feels heard, he remains angry, emotionally hijacked, and blames his sister for his own aggressive reaction.
After thinking for a few moments, I see his body settle even further. He now says it was probably just an accident since they were wrestling and playing rough. Seeing he is now rational, I agree with him and remind him that his sister would not intentionally poke or hurt him. He agrees.
6. We discuss coping skills to better handle upsetting situations.
After coming to the realization it was an accident, he acknowledges he responded to quickly. We agree that in the future, he can be curious and ask if she meant to poke him. Understanding the intention of another person will generally deescalate a situation. (Most adults can learn this lesson, too!) Plus, he remembered that taking a moment to breathe before reacting is always a win.
Road Rage
I use the example of road rage with my kids. It’s a behavior I personally will not support or encourage and have used it as an example to have discussions in the car with my kids. When we see a driver respond aggressively to another, the aggressive driver is making assumptions about the other driver. We don’t know the other driver’s story. Are they driving in a new city on unfamiliar roads? Is that driver’s wife in the hospital delivering their first child? Did that driver just lose his father? We can not assume people’s stories and aggressive reactions are simply inappropriate.
I’d like to believe the toolbox I am building for my children will include compassion for a driver who simply made an error while driving. Haven’t we all forgotten to turn our blinker on or changed lanes in front of another car?
My hopes
I try to never miss an opportunity to acknowledge emotions and empathize with my children. As children, it is difficult to navigate large emotions. (Who am I kidding…as adults it’s hard!) Recognizing and giving feelings names and not dismissing emotions is key to raising humans who can regulate and self-soothe.
As my children grow into mindful, emotionally grounded adults, my hope is the emotional coaching I have provided will teach them empathy and compassion for others. They will be able to recognize their own emotions and validate others.
We can do this, Momma!
This is a practice all parents can embrace. With a son who struggles with the impulsivity of ADHD, we repeat this process dozens of times during any given day. As my son gets older, I can see the results of my efforts. Those neurons are firing a bit smoother…and I’ll call that a success.
Now, is it martini time?
✨ (HINT: The answer is YES!!!! We deserve it!)
Do you have other suggestions on how you emotion coach or work through emotionally heightened moments with your children? Please leave a comment below or share!
Cheers!
